‘n Lisensie om te moor

As  Rompslomp Raserny ‘n Olimpiese item was, dan het ‘n paar van ons al seker gekwalifiseer vir ‘n eindrondte. Rompslom Raserny?  Dis my vertaling vir Red Tape Rage, Admin Angst, Papierwerk Woede.  Dis daardie ding wat jou wil laat moor in ‘n wagtende tou, wat ordentlike mense laat vloek.  My liewe, geduldige kollega voel sy staan ‘n kans op die podium vir haar onlangse rondte met redelose rompslomp.

Kom ons noem haar Erika*, net om almal se waardigheid te beskerm.  Haar bestuurslisensie moes hernu word. Niemand se idee van pret as jy in Gauteng woon nie.  Op die laaste Vrydag van haar kosbare vakansie gaan doen sy die ding.  Met roekelose optimisme val sy vroegoggend in die tou, elke papier ingevul, foto’s, oogtoets, kontant, de lot.  Hoe moeilik kan dít tog wees?  Die oggend kry baard.  Teen middagete skuif sy steeds van stoel tot grillerige stoel.  Sy dop amper die oogtoets, want sy kan die beampte net nie verstaan nie.  Hier bars die damwal al ‘n bietjie. Sy vreet hom uit oor sy spraak, hy sê sy kort ‘n gehoortoets.  Maar sy druk deur.  Betaal oplaas net voor toemaaktyd en voel soos die wenner van Survivor.  Oor ses weke kan sy haar lisensie kom haal!

Stormhonger val sy laatmiddag die huis binne.  Reguit yskas toe, die hond agterna.  In ‘n bakkie ontdek sy twee tjoppies:  Net wat die dokter georder het.  Sy sny gou die beentjie vir die hond uit, suig net vir oulaas  gulsig aan die puntjie.  Njam!  En toe… ‘n stukkie been kom los, woer-woer oor haar tong en gaan slaan vas iewers bokant haar strottehoof.  Sy hoes en hoes, probeer water, proe bloed.  Ta sit.  En sy kry nie ‘n geluid uit nie.  Haar stembande is in totale spasma.  Wat nou?  ‘n Sms aan haar man:  Help! Beentjie in keel.

En so jaag die twee later hospitaal toe.  Dankbaar dat daar te midde van alles darem ‘n mediese fonds en ‘n privaat hospitaal net om die draai is.  Nê?

So laai haar man haar by Ongevalle af.  Erika kan nie praat nie.  Sy skryf op papier:  Been in keel.  Met net haar naam en mediese fondsnommer op die Toelatingsvorm, word sy na Radiologie geneem.  En julle ken die dril.  Jy sit onwaardig in ‘n té kort, té kaal rokkie totdat iemand van jou onthou.  Dit voel soos ure voordat sy gehaal word.  ‘n Borskas X-straal word gedoen.  Swygend en kwylend laat Erika hulle begaan.  Wag weer in haar hokkie.  Tot ‘n baie befoeterde verpleegster instorm het haar vra hoekom sy die verkéérde Xstraal laat doen het:  Die ding sit mos in jou keel, nie jou bors nie?!  Terug vir nog ‘n Xstraal.

Oplaas, toe dit al pikdonker is buite, daag ‘n vrolike Keelspesialis op.  Ta-da!  Die held van die oomblik.  Net een klein dingetjie: hulle kry nie nou ‘n narkotiseur in die hande nie.  Maar wat, jy lyk na ‘n sterk meisie, seg die dokter. En hy weet mos:  noem ‘n vrou bo vyfitg “meisie” en sy sal lê vir ‘n operasie sonder narkose.  Toe hy met die pyp naderkom, gryp Erika haar man se hand.  Sy probeer vir hom iets sê.  Iets belangrik!  Maar die pyp wen.  Sy sluk hom sonder narkose.  En twee minute later klingel die beentjie in ‘n bakkie.

Daar’s hy.  Julle kan haar nou maar ontslaan, kondig die dok aan.

Oh no, sê die suster, we can’t discharge her.  She has not been admitted yet.  Helaas.  Arme Erika moet deur die hele vraelys worstel op haar rou stembande.

Date of birth?  Age?  Fifty eight, fluister sy hees.  Ok, 58.  Are you pregnant?

Dis daar waar die damwal gebreek het.  Ordentlike, geduldige, geleerde vrouens kan dit ook verloor!

Toe Erika net voor middernag in die bed neerval, kom haar man besorg agter haar rug inkruip.  Wat wou jy vir my sê voor hulle die pyp in jou keel gedruk het?

“Ek het gesê,” fluister sy skor, “as ek dit nie maak nie, sit my lisensie in my kis.”

Gepubliseer in Huisgenoot, 2 Oktober 2014.

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